Chocolate Cherrybomb Fruitcakes, or Senor Cuervo says,"Feliz Navidad!"

Having survived a Dickensian Christmas (which I mean, unfortunately, more in a Tale of Two Cities French Revolution, cataclysm and consumption sort of sense than a Christmas Carol / Cricket on the Hearth roast goose & figgy pudding one - although there were elements of Gabriel Grubb and the Goblins, and medicinal toddies were administered - but I digress), and fortified with a meal of Kinky Friedman-style brisket (spiced Texas-style but prepared in the oven like Bubbie's because it's just too frickin' cold to go out and build a fire for smoking), I'm finally sitting down to bring you that Edible Fruitcake recipe that I promised everybody, oh, Thanksgivingish.

Edible Fruitcake?  Is there such a thing?  Watch and learn, young Padiwan.

Oh, I've also been waiting for somebody to post a photo of one for me to steal, to wit:

Chocolate Cherrybomb Fruitcake in festive setting,
Courtesy Amy Nadel Romanczuk

This begins as The Joy of Cooking's Fruitcake Cockaigne recipe (which my mother and I would prepare many years to my father's derisive comment of,"What happened? Did you lose the old one?").  It takes a left turn with the arrival of the chocolate, cherries and tequila, or as I like to think of them, The Three Amigos.

So, a little advance preparation.  24 hours-ish before you plan to make the fruitcakes, place 20 oz of dried cherries (by an odd coincidence, the exact size of the bag at Costco) in a bowl and cover with Tequila.  Give it an extra half inch or so.  It doesn't have to be especially good tequila, but it shouldn't be paint thinner, either, and you're going to need about three cups of it.

The next day, drain the freshly minted cordial off of the cherries. You may feel a temptation to have a shot, to which I suggest you succumb without trepidation or remorse.  You may also wish to try the cherries, as long as you're not planning to drive.

There are those hearty souls who can maintain strict dietary discipline during the holidays (or, as The Black Adder would have it, "The Gorging Season").  I am proud to say that I am not among them, approaching the span from Thanksgiving to New Year's with the attitude of Eat What You Want and Die Like a Man.  Since I have managed to lose 100 pounds with this approach, I see no reason to entertain opinions to the contrary.

Let's bake!

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Take your drained cherries, and add about two cups of Macadamia or other nuts, coarsely chopped and 12 oz. chocolate chips or chunks. Because "too much chocolate" is as nonsensical as "ceci n'est pas une pipe".  Toss them together with 1/2 cup flour.  This will keep all the goodies from sticking together in one big clump.

Sift together another 3-1/2 cups all purpose flour, 3/4 cup cocoa,  1 tsp. baking powder and 1/2 tsp. of salt, along with 1 tsp cinnamon and 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper.  Trust me.

Shave or chop 2 oz. of good quality unsweetened chocolate.  Last year this time I scored about half a dozen bricks of Scharffen Berger at 75% off from Williams Sonoma, where someone was laboring under the misapprehension that this is a seasonal product.  May you experience similar blessings.  Add it to 1 cup half and half (be strong - it's waaay too late to shave off any calories now).  Microwave and stir for 30 seconds at a time, until it is nicely melted.  Throw it in the fridge to cool off a little.

Beat 3/4 cups unsalted butter until light and creamy.  Gradually add 2 cups of sugar and beat until light and fluffy, about 5 to 7 minutes.

Beat in (one at a time) six eggs.  Add 1 tsp vanilla.

On low speed, alternately beat in the flour mixture and the chocolate cream until well combined.  Finally, fold in all the chunky bits - put some muscle into it!

Now, you have some options.  You're going to end up with about 15 cups of batter.  

For presents, I like to bake these off in 1 cup mini bundt pans, which take about 35-40 minutes.  

Since these come six to a batch, that also allows me to bake off half a muffin pan (15-20 minutes) which we eat immediately.  Delayed gratification, humbug!

You can also bake it off in a couple of loaf pans (clocking at about an hour), until you get a clean toothpick test.

Let the cakes cool thoroughly.  Wrap each cake in cheesecloth, brush or soak down with the cherry tequila (if it's still around).  You can substitute other liqueur (GrandMa works well) or straight tequila, depending on the hardiness of your intended recipients.

Store in an airtight container (where it will keep for months - if you're generous with the liquor, you could just make them now for next Christmas).  Do not expose to open flame.

P.S. from our good friend Erin, whose resourceful Irish instincts led him to discover that if you wring out the cheesecloth, it gives you a nice shot of cherry-chocolate liqueur to go with your cake.

Cupcake Camp - fit the Second, Chocolate Afterburn

As promised, we're moving on to the second major project of our Cupcake Camp Quarto . . .  
The Lowcountry Locavore Legend.

Mmmmmmmm . . . . Baaaaaaaconnnnn!!  Photo courtesy Eugene Mah.

Let's start with the Bacon, shall we?

Candied Bacon

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.

Line a baking sheet with foil; insert a rack and coat thoroughly with Pam.

Lay out one pound of thick cut Bacon in a single layer, and bake until bubbly, about 30 minutes.

Mix:

1 c.      Brown Sugar
1 tsp.    Cayenne Pepper
1/2 tsp   ground Cinnamon

Spread out in a pan.

Remove the bacon from the oven to the pan of sugar, and sprinkle, pat & smoosh until the bacon is thoroughly coated.  The Bacon will be hot! (That's for the lawyers.  I'm assuming the rest of you are smarter than that.)

Spread out the bacon once again on the rack, and return to the oven for another 10-15 minutes, until the sugar is melted and bubbly.

Allow to cool for at least 15 minutes before eating.  A good sharp metal spatula is a boon in removing the bacon from the rack.

Cajeta (Goats' Milk Dulce de Leche)

This recipe can be cut in half - but why would you?

A full recipe will do about 5 dozen cupcakes, but it's just as good on ice cream.  Or a spoon.  Or your fingers.  Possibly your significant other.  But I digress.

You will need . . . 

1/2 gallon of Goat Milk (you can use cow milk, or antelope)
(Yes, use whole milk.  Look at the next ingredient, for God's sake...)
8 cups Sugar
1 Vanilla Bean, split, or 2 tsp. Vanilla Extract
2 tsp. Baking Soda

huh?  Baking Soda?

Yeah, Baking Soda.  This helps to lower the pH of your mixture, for two important reasons:

1. It keeps the milk proteins from clumping up, and making Dulce de Lumpy

2. It encourages Maillard Reactions, browning the sauce and creating thousands of complex flavor compounds.

Throw everything in a slow cooker on High, and cook Uncovered for about 10 hours, stirring occasionally.  From personal experience: tell everybody in the house not to cover it, or they inevitably will.

When it gets nicely golden brown and starts to thicken up, let it cool off and store in the fridge (it will keep for quite some time).
Now we're gonna need something to put this all on  . . .

Spicy Chocolate Cupcakes

The base for this one is from Cook's Illustrated.  In its slightly peppier incarnation, it plays out like this:

• 3 oz. finely chopped Bittersweet Chocolate
• 1/3 c. Cocoa
• 3/4 c. strong hot Coffee
• 3/4 c. Bread Flour
• 3/4 c. Sugar
• 1/2 tsp. Salt
• 1/2 tsp Baking Soda
• 3 oz. Olive Oil
• 2 Large Eggs
• 2 tsp. White Vinegar
• 1 tsp. Vanilla Extract
• 1 mashed Scotch Bonnet Pepper (or 1/4 tsp. Cayenne)
• 1/2 tsp. ground Cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 325.  Ready a cupcake pan with papers or grease & flour.

Remove seeds, ribs & stem from the pepper (careful!  Use gloves and avoid your eyes!).  Mince fine, place in a bowl and microwave (covered) for 30 seconds.  Mash well with a fork.

Add the chocolate and cocoa to the bowl, pour coffee over the whole mess, and whisk until smooth. Put it in the refrigerator to cool.

Whisk flour, sugar, salt, cinnamon and baking soda together in another bowl.

Whisk oil, eggs, vanilla, and vinegar into the cooled chocolate mixture until it's smooth.  Add the flour mixture and whisk until  smooth.

Divide batter into cups.

Bake until the cupcakes are set and springy, about 15-20 minutes.

Let cool, and assemble with Cajeta, Candied Bacon, chopped Pecans, and optional Benne Wafers.

I don't know about y'all, but I'm exhausted.